Thursday, May 28, 2009

This Motherfucking Life

I just got the mail saying I have been turned down for the scholarship that I blew a few thousand dollars applying for and was sure I would get. Why was I turned down? Who knows. While trying to avoid self pity it is the same wonder I feel at being turned down for everything I get turned down for. I think in some ways I am easy to reject. Not initially, but I picture in the final stages they look and think, "Well, he'll be okay without this." But I'm not. I am at a complete loss for what to do. I have been highly motivated basing everything around this, including a substantial chunk of my self respect. Fancy yourself the academic you say. I was so confident I had it, but I felt the same way about film school and the high school teaching job and the...... I suppose I should get used to the idea of being a junior high teacher. What was that I was saying about Warren down there earlier? I take it back Warren here I come.

(UPDATE)
The consulate actually mailed back and said there were two reasons:

1. There were a lot of applicants.
2. My research seemed unfocused.

2. Is odd because I came out of the interview telling everyone, "They were very friendly but didn't seem very interested in my research." They really didn't seem to grasp what "Environmental Economics" might be and kept bringing it back to "Can you understand doctors in Japan?" As I was trying to explain quantifying "Quality of Life."

Very frustrating.

7 comments:

Club 90 said...

My heart feels for you. That seems an awful quick turn around, it reminds me of the story of my friend who applied for a dream job, made it to the final interview, to where the company wanted him to fly from LA to Conneticut to me with the boss, a celebrity. He was actually at the airport standing in the secruity line, when the company called and stand they decided to go the other way, it was a rough call and they did not even comp his airplane ticket. I do not know what to say other than, if you keep reaching for your goals, the defats will make the inevitable victory sweeter. And there is nothing wrong with being a junior high teacher. IS THERE?!

wwc said...

Aside from the pay and the fact I can't be a real teacher.....no. In fact I love the job...if they would let me do the job.

Always Already said...

I'm sorry, W.

The Morholt said...

Hey Wes
Don't let the bastards grind you down: after a somewhat varied career, I returned to jr high teaching because money or no its the best job I ever had, even if its the hardest. Keep knocking on doors, but dont be surprised if you find yourself wanting to come back out of the open ones.

The Morholt said...

One more suggestion: are you writing? any possible way for you to publish? that helps.

wwc said...

Do you mean publish in the field I was looking into or writing, writing. I wish I was publishing. Nowhere seems to be so interested, but I don't really know where or how to ask.

WDD said...

I mean in your field, but it doesn't need to be prestigious or anyhting, some internet credits, something from the style section of a newspaper, whatever, just to show admissions boards etc that you are interested in publishing and in making a name.
As for publishing fiction, that's a suckers game. And other non-fiction, not in your field, thats all good too...

attempting to silence the voices in my head.