Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Golden Week

Sorry. I planned to catch up on things during my 4 days off for Golden Week. Instead I hung out with friends and did a whole lot of nothing. I had a very odd week. I choked a kid at school an hour after writing the post that fighting would be inevitable. Actually he was trying to fight a 60 year old PE teacher and I let it take its course until it got out of hand and stepped in and through on the ole "rear nekkid" as Rampage Jackson would say. "Iketani, that's enough." And he quit. Oh, the kakutogi on parade.

From there it was on to the Mikuni kansogeiaki where all of the teachers who have moved on were honored. I failed to read the "kuki" and showed up in mildly dressy school teaching clothes when the event was held in the Osaka Hilton. Great call. A lot of teachers were transferred. I was surprised. Yamamoto sensei, the really friendly English teacher, quit and moved back to Shikoku to be a fisherman. I miss working with him. Even the cute office ladies got transferred and replaced by 18 year old otaku boys who look uncomfortable with the fact that they have bodies. I have no problem believing that they would pay for panties.

We all had to make speeches. I said that Mikuni was like The Nexus in Star Trek and that we were all fighting to get back there. That the new teachers should consider themselves lucky. That "Mikuni" was like a magic word that the rest of us uttered quietly as we dropped our heads to our desks in doubt over the future of this country. It was well received. I got drunk and tried to talk to everyone but it was over quickly and Suwa sensei, the old judo coach, was waving me into an elevator making the hand signals for "money" and "women."

A dangerous proposition. Suwa sensei is known for his frequenting all sorts of debauchery. For those who don't live in Japan I should tell you that showing up at work and laughing about the prostitution you indulged in while married is a completely acceptable and charming thing. Not for me, mind you. But things that would make you a parasite and a criminal in America are completely AOK in these parts. I had ducked Suwa's invitations for as long as I could. Mizojiri sensei, who has been transferred to Sri Lanka was also in the elevator. We were holding our giant bouquets and giggling nervously.

We set off at a brisk pace through Umeda. As we climbed the stairs crossing the intersection in forn of the Hankyu department store Suwa sensei says, "Let's go to the gay place." Say wha'? In for the penny in for the pound but I reserve the right to run for the door. Trust but verify I always say. I mean Ronald Reagan always says. Until he died.

"The gay place" Turned out to be "Jack and Betty's" Or something like that in Umeda. We came in in the middle of showtime. There was a small stage with an old man in drag singing enka and doing stand up comedy. The room was betwen big and small, empty and full and we set on couches around a table. A silver curtain swung shut and the old man disappeared. "Jupiter" The ubiquitous hit from a few years ago came on, the curtain raised, and 12 post-operative transexuals holding glowing globes stood on a smoky stage. They came forward as their names were called. Two were definitely men. about 5 were moderately attractive women. The rest were mother f'n hot. Show time ends and the dancers change costumes and come mingle with the audience. My first time at a hostess bar and it is a transexual one with a judo coach and future Sri Lanka math teacher.

The hottest chick, Rin, came to sit with us. She had a special pillow because she had just had her penis removed in Thailand a month ago. She was born in Kowloon but doesn't speak Chinese. Rin wandered off and we were joined by Kumi. She said that she was now officially a woman in her family registry and that everyone was ok about that. Suwa sensei stared at her big fake tits. Absurd. The whole thing was absurd.

Show time resumed. I can't do it justice. Part of it was a 5 mintue tribute to the 10th anniversary of the death of Princess Diana featuring the Elton John song, while everyone pranced around in fancy English dresses. This segued into the Mario theme song where cheerleaders with fake penises ran through the audience. For some reason half the dancers had their teeth blacked out which was really nasty.

The lights went dark and a heavy metal fog descended. Everyone was wearing black feather boas. Somehow at the end, through the fog and lightning and heavy metal, they all got naked. Wow. Not a visible penis in the bunch. Rin looks good naked. I'll give him that.

I ended up in Umeda giving flowers form my bouquet to random girls. Ever since I have harbored a suspicion that every hot chick I see is a dude. I see David's commentary already: "What you had was called 'Tuesday.' It happens all over the world once a week. Get over it."
I didn't do it justice.


The Morholt said...

Dude, I wanted to make smart alec comment and you made one for me better than I can come up with. bastard.
I've never seen anything nearly that funny or interesting at a gay bar, having had to make due (do?) with tired ugly transvestites lip syncing Mariah Carey or other such bottom of the barrel pop crap. the idea of men having their penises cut off then wearing artificial penises is about the greatest, most post-modern thing i can imagine (though i feel sad for the loss of all those sweet boys who have become girls that other people disrespect even more than they disrespect "real" girls.)
i hope you appreciate what a life you're having wes. i sure do.

wwc said...

At times. At times. But it becomes less charming when I plan which vegetable patches would be easiest to steal from until the next paycheck arrives. I reiterate (in full anti-drug commerical angst-yell) "I learned it by watching you!"

attempting to silence the voices in my head.