Saturday, October 18, 2008

not Wanted

Apparently Sinbad's team of monkeys got so drunk that they decided to prank call Pauly Shore's condo. Pauly, ripped on Red Bull and methamphetamines passed the phone to his prize basset hound that had just had a colostomy installed. The colostomy, ungulating with gassousness began to burp out a small rhythm. The monkeys, confused, handed the phone to Sinbad's lobotomized uncle who pretended he had been in the Navy but who had been given the lobotomy, after years of shock treatment, at the age of twelve. Part of his Navy act was pretending to be a Navajo code breaker, not talker mind you, who could understand Morse code. This uncle never bothered to learn Morse code, he just wrote down random gibberish. As he yelled his shorthand back through the phone, Pauly's agent, busy fellating Mr. Shore's unconscious body, thought, "I hope somebody wrote this down!" And hit record on his iPhone. Thus we were given the movie "Wanted." Which is ironic because I got free tickets to see it when what I "wanted" to see was Ironman. What I was given were two tickets to the worst, goddamn amalgam of screen vomit I have seen in recent memory, and I saw "Sex and the City." I won't go into explaining how bad it is. I almost want to dare people to see it Even if you hit M. Night Shamylan in the head with a baseball bat and dared him to make a movie this shitty, he couldn't do it. This movie is so bad it made a Japanese girl say, "What the fuck was that about? What a waste of time." That is hard to make a Japanese girl say, mind you.

This is the movie that I meant to see.

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attempting to silence the voices in my head.